Breaking

As she looked across the table, he could see that she had something to tell him. Something in the way her hands were placed flat on the red and white check of the table cloth told him she was nervous, but trying to hide it. Her eyes darted around, looking everywhere but at him. He knew that, whatever it was she was about to say, she thought he was going to react badly to it. Finally, she opened her mouth and spoke.

‘I’m leaving.’

Josie sat back, as if waiting for his reaction. If she was, he disappointed her. Reactions would have to wait while her announcement sank in.

‘Did you hear me, Luke?’ she demanded. He nodded, silent.

‘I’m leaving you,’ she said again, her voice rising. ‘You and your bloody silences.’

The last comment was bitter. Josie spat it out in an attempt to provoke him into showing some emotion. But he could not react. Scream, cry, rant – in his head, yes, but none of it came to the surface anymore. He’d been hiding things for too long now, pushing his thoughts and feelings down deep inside where they wouldn’t get him into trouble. He’d always been told that they were dangerous. Now it was their absence that was causing him problems. When emotion was finally expected from him, he found that he had to struggle to let it out. The habit of locking himself away was almost too strong, the walls too high.

‘For god’s sake, doesn’t that mean anything to you? Have these three years been nothing?’

She stood up from the table and, suddenly, the eyes that had been so carefully averted before were focused on them. Now it was a scene, and they were allowed to watch. Luke sank down further and buried his head in his hands, trying to bring what was inside to the surface.

‘Yeah, that’s it,’ she said bitterly. ‘Hang your head, don’t say a word. That’s one way to deal with it. Maybe by the time you look up, it will be gone – but so will I. And you know that won’t be the end of it all. You know it.’

She leaned across the table and pried his hands away from his face, lifting his chin in a curiously gentle way after her harsh words. He felt something beginning to break inside.

‘You used to care,’ she said softly. ‘You cared so much I thought you’d die of a broken heart, one of these days. Now here we are and it’s my heart that’s broken and yours is dead. God, I sound like some trashy novel.’

She backed away from him and started to get her things together. Luke wanted to tell her not to go, but the words wouldn’t come. There was a lump in his throat that was blocking them.

‘Tell me, Luke. Was it all worth it? Is it worth selling your soul for peace of mind?’ She laughed, bitter again. ‘I don’t blame you, really. I can see how it would happen. But is that what you did? I just need to know that, and I’ll go away.’

He opened his eyes. He’d closed them when Josie asked if it was worth it. He’d been thrown by the changing line of attack, see-sawing between bitterness and kindness. It had been enough to shake the emotional wall that he hid himself behind; shaken him enough that he looked back over everything they’d done together, everything they’d said, and the enormity of her leaving came crashing home. She was already halfway to the door.

‘Josie,’ he barely managed to croak. She paused, turned to look over her shoulder. She was surprised by the tears welling in his eyes. She came back to the table for a moment.

‘Josie, don’t go.’

‘Is that all you can manage?’ she asked.

When he didn’t –couldn’t – say any more, she turned once more for the door.

‘Goodbye Luke.’

She was gone. She’d left him. Luke put his hands on the table where hers had been only minutes before. He could almost see the imprints her palms had left as she’d tried to get up the courage to tell him she was leaving. Despair gripped his stomach, and his world seemed that bit colder. Josie wasn’t in it anymore.

The crowd in the restaurant turned back to their meals. Some of them would report what had happened, but most would forget. It was just another argument between yet another couple who couldn’t stand the strain in a city full of others in the same situation.